Sunday, September 24, 2017

Sticks and stones

I discovered a surprisingly compelling and relevant story recently while channel surfing and landing in the jaws of ABC-TV's "Shark Tank." A 16-year-old Asian-American girl was pitching a groundbreaking technology to the cast of carnivorous investors. Astonishingly, she had created a smartphone or desktop app that could pump the brakes on social media bullies. She demonstrated how the software could identify hurtful and aggressive language and pause a post before it went live. It would caution the author of the nasty comment and urge them to reconsider.

Of course, the user had the freedom to go forward with his or her verbal assault, but the software was designed to make people think about the consequences before launching wordy weapons.

This software targets parents of preteens and teens as well as schools that are tasked to take steps to prevent bullying. However, after the flurry of stories about the Twitter assaults in the news this past week, I'm wondering if this parenting technology would be helpful in taming the egos of many adults, including pro athletes and those in high office.

I remember when e-mail first became available and people cautioned about sending certain types of messages that were better delivered on the phone or in person. Communications is a dance with certain social graces, not to mention non-verbal cues that help to frame our emotions and provide context to the words. And in this era of FaceTime and Go-To-Meeting capabilities, a real eyeball-to-eyeball visit to a client, friend or family member remains the ultimate way to share, especially for delicate matters. 

For many, social media has become anything but social and provides an easy way for boys and girls to hide behind fences while they sling rocks and arrows. We seem to have forgotten that kindergarten chant, "sticks and stones can break my bones but names with never hurt me." 

Maybe because we have lost our way on many larger matters. 

One of the most memorable and important events I've encountered in my sixty years was a meeting between an assassin and his target. It took place in an Italian prison, when then Pope John Paul II visited the man who had shot him. One bullet had hit his elbow, the other his stomach brining the pontiff to the brink of death. Yet, after he recovered, he found the courage to forgive Mehmet Ali Agca and tell him so personally. The two became friends; the pope stayed in touch with his assailant and even requested a pardon for him. While in prison, the shooter converted to Christianity.

His conversion isn't surprising with the example St. John Paul set. Regardless of your faith or disbelief, consider this wisdom from the late pontiff: "Humanity should question itself, once more, about the absurd and always unfair phenomenon of war, on whose stage of death and pain only remains standing the negotiating table that should have prevented it."


Whether it's a war of words between family members, political groups in a country or leaders volleying salvos across the globe amidst nuclear tensions, we have to ask ourselves: "Why don't we just sit down face-to-face and hash this out?"

I think President, Donald J. Trump, and NBA star, Stephen Curry, both missed that point this week. And it's surprising, because jocks typically honor a code that keeps their disagreements private and in the locker room. And  during his campaign, Mr. Trump proved he's very familiar with locker room talk. If only they had agreed to meet to share a sandwich and discuss their differences. And if someone refuses your invitation, always leave the door open. By the way, rumor has it  that North Korea's Kim Jung-un loves steak and sushi.

No matter how much you revile the other side, each opportunity to engage an adversary in conversation is a chance to better understand and be understood. For example, since 1995, a grass roots movement comprised of Israeli and Palestinian families had fought for peace between the two nations, Uniquely, every one of the members of this non-violent, non-governmental organization had lost a close family member in the bloodshed. The two sides were equally represented. 

By 2012, the Parents Circle - Families Forum (PCFF) had recruited more than 600 Israeli and Palestinian families to build a reconciliation infrastructure and participate in a continuous dialogue. They believed this was essential to achieve any lasting future negotiated peace. Members shared their grief, resentment and emotions in face-to-face meetings where they had come to identify with the suffering of the other side – and discover the futility of perpetual conflict.
PCFF had worked diligently to avoid using bereavement as an excuse for retribution. Palestinian and Israeli families jointly conducted dialogues in schools and reached 25,000 students annually. Their goal: influence the public and political decision makers to choose peace. Their message: empathy and understanding.
In the Holy Land, the healing power of forgiveness had already restored serenity, while bombs and bullets continued to kill.
Here in the United States, protesting is undeniably an American tradition and defining principle. However, whether you're taking a knee during the national anthem, boycotting a business for practices you abhor or standing up against another injustice, we must always be open to dialogue.  Non-violent demonstration enabled Gandhi to liberate India and the likes of Rosa Parks and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to elevate the civil rights movement to the mountain top
In Jesus' day, tax collectors were considered exploiters and scum while Samaritans were reviled as heretics. Yet, Jesus conversed and dined with them both. In fact, he made a tax collector named Matthew his disciple and he spent two days with a Samaritan woman and her people. It was at least the equivalent of a Hatfield sharing a jug and an apple pie with a McCoy. 
But if you're not swayed by the Bible, don't forget this 20th century event of biblical proportions. the Cuban missile crisis. That atomic stare down between U.S. President, John F. Kennedy, and Nikita Khrushchev, of the Soviet Union, finally ended when back channel negotiations achieved a breakthrough and both sides gave something to secure peace. 

"Why don't we just sit down face-to-face and hash this out?" Adults shouldn't need an app for that.



Sunday, September 17, 2017

Do something

The world seems to be in more turmoil than usual lately. Perhaps it's the parade of hurricanes skipping across the Atlantic and monsoons flooding Asia while wild fires scorch America's west.  Then there's North Korea's rocket man amping up nuclear tensions while protesters shake up American cities and towns.

Do you ever feel hopeless when you follow the news? That's when it's time to do something.

As we walked home from church today through a shady neighborhood on Chicago's northwest side, my wife, Ellen, spotted two twenty-something women cleaning up the sidewalk across the street. Not particularly unusual, except they were working in front of two different homes. A little young to be home owners and too old to be doing the lawn for mom or dad. When we turned the corner and passed a young man carrying jugs of orange juice, we discovered another pair of young women picking up litter.

"Big party last night?" Ellen asked.

"Nope!" the friendly, bespeckled blonde replied. "We're from St. Luke's Lutheran Church in Logan Square and this is our service Sunday."

What followed was a chat about our churches and the captivating sermon we just experienced. The topic was forgiveness, and our pastor shared the story of a woman who confessed her anguish and inability to forgive the brother who had sexually abused her. At the time he heard her confession, he was a very young priest. "You must forgive him," Fr. Sam advised. "I'm not telling you to accept what he did to you, but you have to forgive him. The longer you hold onto this the more pain it will cause you."

A few months later the woman returned to see Fr. Sam again and she thanked him for his tough love in the confessional. It had helped her.

It's hard to imagine what the young victim felt but she told our pastor, "Whenever I see him, I want to kill him." She was cursed by her brother's evil, yet it was up to her to make the changes that would allow her to grow and improve her life. Her world was eviscerated but she had to summon the courage to begin the healing. All things are possible with God.

As we endure the news each day, it's essential that we remember two things:

1. There is always so much to be grateful for.

2. Change is not a spectator sport -- whether it's required in your neighborhood, the global community or our hearts.


Sunday, September 10, 2017

Lost and found

With most schools back in full swing and the big kids away at college, there's a common cry across the land. I hear anguish like this from friends with teenagers and adult children:

"My son doesn't talk to me. I mean really talk to me. I get yes and no answers."

Or "My daughter keeps her life close to her vest. She won't share anything. And they text each other so I don't even hear their voices."

Although at least half of parenting is loving and nurturing, the rest is about letting go. Allowing our children to grow up may be the hardest part. On the other hand, it is the most rewarding. For inspiration on that, Google Kahlil Gibran's poem "On Children" from his book, "The Prophet."

But sometimes, the distance young people put between themselves and their parents lasts a while ... sometimes for decades. How does one cope with the silent treatment or that feeling that the relationship is an uncomfortable, required formality?

With six decades in my rearview mirror, I've discovered that for me the best answers are always in the Bible. How did Jesus manage to offer perspective on virtually every human condition in just three years of public ministry? But he did. Consider the powerful parable of the prodigal son, captured on canvas by Rembrandt. If you know the story, it rings so true to real life it can be frightening and yet it mirrors the mind of the almighty.

For the unfamiliar or those who have forgotten the details, a man has two sons. The younger, an ungrateful upstart, asks his father for his share of his inheritance. Dad obliges and the kid hits the road. In short order, he squanders his legacy on wine and women and ends up slopping hogs to make ends meet. As he salivates at the corn husks that the pigs are gobbling up, he realizes if he goes back home and begs his pop, maybe the old man will have pity and hire him as a servant. At least he won't starve.

So, his homecoming is driven by his stomach, not a contrite heart. Dad sees him coming at a distance and is moved. He runs out to welcome and embrace his son, before the prodigal can say a thing. As soon as the ne'er-do-well gushes his apology, the senior dude orders his servants to scrub him up, dress him in the finest duds with accessories, and slaughter the fattened calf for a party.

Coming in from a tough day in the fields, big brother is stunned at the surprise bash for his punk sibling. Incredulous and seething, he barks at his father, wondering why he would reward this no-good, whoring ingrate and yet never celebrate the loyalty and service of his oldest heir.

And the joyful father responds, "My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found." (Luke 15:31-32)

That's how the famous parable ends. But we can find our better angels by chasing the devil from the details. The family obviously knew about the young son's misadventures. Mom and dad must have ached wondering about his whereabouts and his health. Yet, they patiently waited for contact. They didn't run after him and search. They were on the lookout for any glimmer of hope in reconnecting with their boy. Their doors and arms were wide open ... regardless of what other family members or neighbors had to say.

So much extraordinary advice for any one in any relationship ... but especially for those of us who are pining for contact with a dear one lost on the streets, estranged by an argument or separated by the inability to love unconditionally.

Any parent who feels the cold shoulder of someone they carried for nine months, diapered and rocked to sleep, or raised to adulthood also has a sense of what God feels like when we fail to call home.



Sunday, September 3, 2017

Casting stones and removing timber

Pastor Joel Olsteen had a rough week -- from a PR standpoint.

I don't know how he felt personally. He says he didn't pay much attention to the gale of criticism on Twitter and elsewhere. Maybe he ascribes to St. Teresa of Calcutta's (Mother Teresa's) philosophy on pride and ego: "If we were humble, nothing would change us -- neither praise nor discouragement. If someone would criticize us, we would not feel discouraged. If someone would praise us, we also would not feel proud."

This week, social media posters pelted Olsteen, the Christian televangelist and Pastor of Lakewood Church, in Houston, Texas. They were appalled at his apparent lack of empathy for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. The Lakewood congregation occupies the former Summit Arena/Compaq Center and previous home of the NBA's Houston Rockets.

Why did Olsteen and his follower have "no room in the inn" to welcome local Harvey survivors?

Olsteen said his facility was water logged and unsafe to accommodate refugees. He also said many leaders in his congregation were storm victims, some stranded in their own homes.

Those bashing the wealthy megachurch pastor, his massive congregation and sprawling Christian complex were most likely themselves not Christians. Or at least they were unfamiliar with the teachings of Jesus.

The Jewish Messiah had a lot to say about judging, criticizing and other oral afflictions. Here are a few of his choicest Gospel moments:

When a righteous crowd prepared to pepper an adulteress with rocks in order to kill her for her sexual sin, Jesus said, "Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7) The crowd quickly dispersed.

Then there was the time the Nazarene carpenter made this analogy: "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first, then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:4-5)

Ouch! In other words, you better be sinless BEFORE you consider advising someone else how to avoid temptation. The truth is Jesus' message is profoundly truthful and powerful. Consider this: how much credibility does a fat guy have telling a drinker, gambler or workaholic to step away from his or her excess.

Likewise, unless I've been donating until it hurts to support storm victims I have no right to comment on someone else's charity or lack of it. And don't forget, devastating floods submerged the lives of millions across the globe this week, killing more than 1,200 in Asia and Africa. There's someone in my family or community that's under water with debt, or illness, family strife or addiction. I have so much work to do and so many people to help. How could a practicing Christian find time to boast or heckle?

Simply put, Jesus said, "Stop judging that you may not be judged." (Matthew 7:1) Great advice especially for Christians trying to actually walk the talk. He also told us donate to those in need invisibly -- in secret with no fanfare -- telling no one of our philanthropy. (Matthew 6:3-4)

Maybe Olsteen was helping displaced Houstonians in quiet, secretive ways. Only God knows his heart. Who am I to judge? For the record, I am a very judgmental person who is learning to bite my tongue off rather than offer condemnation. It's a struggle but worth it. A heavy lift but the true way to peace.

Christianity is damn hard to live up to. St. Mother Teresa once made this observation: "Gandhi felt fascinated at knowing Christ. He met Christians and felt let down."

I often have to ask myself -- if Jesus met me right now, would he say, "You hypocrite"?